Cultura

I'm what's considered a "no sabo" kid in that I'm of Mexican heritage (in my case, I'm first gen) but I don't speak Spanish.

This is something I struggle with on multiple fronts.

One, it's the language of my people's colonizers. Part of me will always feel like they "won" by forcing us to speak their language. My ancestors are from Michoacán, I should be speaking native Purépecha. But,

Two, it IS the language most of my people speak. It's the language of my abuelos, it's the language of my tías and tíos.

Three, I KNOW it's not my fault I don't speak Spanish. I was raised by older parents (I'm adopted), and they thought it was safer to just speak English. I understand that. But I'm an adult now, so,

Four, doesn't that mean it's MY responsibility to learn the language? Yes! Well...to a certain extent. Personally, I've TRIED to learn. I've watched videos, done workbooks, and have taken five college-level Spanish classes. That means I've retaken Spanish 1 and 2 at LEAST twice. I can't seek to get past the "English block" in my brain (and I think it might have something to do with my adhd?? Idk). And by extention,

Five, if I try to learn native Purépecha, won't I have the same problem??

It's really frustrating.

Bottom line, I'd LOVE to learn to really speak Spanish. But I think I'd need a private tutor, and that's

Six, I am a poor. I do NOT make enough for a private tutor.

I think I just needed to vent a bit. If you struggle with similar feelings, please, feel free to share!!

Tldr; I wanna speak Spanish, but it's always been a struggle for me to learn because of several reasons that I KNOW are valid, but that I still well...struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you did <3